My husband and I had our first baby, a daughter, in 2001 when I was just 21 years old. My second child, a son, was born 20 months later.
It was around the time that my 3rd child, a daughter, was born in April 2005 that I started to notice that something was not right.
I had everything I ever wanted. A wonderful husband, who treated me like a queen, and 3 angels that made me happier than I could have ever imagined.
But, the amount of physical and emotional effort that it took to be a mother was something that I did not expect. I felt very overwhelmed.
I was having thoughts and worries that, at times, paralyzed me. I was experiencing weird and disturbing thought of very terrible things happening to my children.
I have always been a worrier. By nature, I am a glass half empty kind of a girl. So, worry wasn't anything new to me, but I knew deep down that the fears I was letting overwhelm my life were not normal, even for me.
I continued on this way, in silence, for another year. In the spring of 2006 we moved into our first home, and what should have been a wonderfully happy time in my life was instead dark and gloomy. I found no JOY in what I was doing. I was faithfully caring for my family, but it was with no spark. No happiness.
It was at this time that I very reluctantly, but desperately reached out for help.
I decided to get professional help, and with the support of my husband, I began to attend counselling sessions.
This time in my life was pivotal. I learned so much about myself; my thought patterns and the damage I was doing inside my head. I will be forever grateful to my counselor. He was helping me change my life.
He told me something one day that startled me. He told me that I was afraid to happy. What? Who is afraid to be happy? That is crazy!
The more I thought about what he had said, the more aware I became of how deep my depression had become, and how irrational my inner thoughts were.
I was afraid of happiness. I was constantly worried and fearful. Worrying takes a ridiculous amount of energy and it left no time for happiness. I had conditioned myself to believe that if I took a break from worry, then the "bad thing" that I was worried about would actually happen.
Yup, that was my life 24/7. Sad, I know.
This concept hit me, one day, like a ton of bricks. I was driving home with my kids after picking up my oldest from Kindergarten. It was Fall, and we had the windows down. All of a sudden, a warm autumn breeze blew through the car. The smell of changing leaves filled my nostrils. The crisp air rustled my hair. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of happiness, peace and hope. As soon as these feelings registered in my brain, I immediately thought, "What are you doing? You can't feel happy!"
That was the first time that I had been aware of my internal dialogue. It was startling and really frightening. That was a hard pill to swallow. But swallow it, I did.
How grateful I am for that day. Because of that new awareness, it was much easier to stop those thoughts and start thinking differently.
And so the battle begun. I was forging a war against my own consciousness...the part of me that had completely convinced myself that the walls of stone that I was building were for protection.
With the help of that great counselor, a strong and faithful husband, friends and family I was able to make huge strides in my progress. I felt like I was finally living. I kept a daily journal of things that made me happy and started doing things I had never done before, like watch the sunset and stand at the window and soak up the morning sun. These things had almost seemed pointless to me before.
I felt a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. I immersed myself in books, blogs and people that had more knowledge and tools than I did. I relied on my Heavenly Father and the things that I knew to be true.
I continued on my journey. It was a daily battle, but I was fighting.
It is true what they say, about old habits dieing hard. I continued to struggle with my pessimistic nature and I must admit that I still felt something was missing. There had to be more to life. There had to be more happiness and there had to be more hope!
We added the 4th child to the family, another daughter, in the fall of 2007.
That was it! No more children! We had our family here and my husband and I felt so good about the children that had come to our family.
In the Fall of 2009, much to my surprise, I began to have thoughts that we needed to have one more child. I fought this for months. I finally confessed my feelings to James, and he fought it for a while too. But those whisperings and nagging thoughts do not just go away!
The decision did not come easy. but we did agree that we would have another baby.
I did a little bargaining with God. Well, it was more like desperately pleading. I told him that I was now willing to have another baby, and that I would love that child with all my heart and take of his every need, but I needed some healing. I needed to find my full potential and purpose in this life. I needed more than what I had, and I needed it fast.
If I was to be the mother to 5 children, and stay sane, I needed a miracle.
I will tell you, as humbly as I can, that miracle came, ten-fold.
As soon as I turned my heart to Him, a rain storm began. Not the kind of rain storm that causes floods and damage and sends you retreating inside. It was more like the kind of rain I remember as a girl... The kind of rain storm that breaks up a hot summer day. The rain that is immense and soaks you completely. The kind of rain where you are standing in the yard, with your eyes closed tight, your arms stretched straight out and your head thrown back. This rain brings pure delight and complete liberation.
This rain storm describes the rest of my story.
My sweet baby boy was born in the Summer of 2010.
I see my life in 2 parts. The Tausha before that little boy was born, and the Tausha after he came into my life.
That little guy, with white blond hair and stark blue eyes saved me.
The down pour that I spoke of came in forms of people , books , concepts and different ways of thinking. It came in the form of Essential Oils and other natural ways of healing.
I believe that when we have lived through hard times and come out the other side, we need to share. I have a burning desire to share what I know, and what has changed my life.