Who I Am, Not What I Do

We, as human beings (and especially woman) put so much pressure on ourselves. We judge ourselves relentlessly. We would never say the things we say to ourselves to our friends, or family. But yet, we do it to ourselves.

I have a running to do list on my phone and it is overflowing with things to do. I have each item listed into a category "Home" "My doTERRA business" "My Mentoring Business" "Primary President". Sometimes I crawl into bed at night and look over my list and find myself gaging my day on how many things I checked off. If all the boxes are checked then I am one hot mama, if there are still some left, I grudgingly move their to-do date to the next day and chalk it up to I am just not good enough.

I am beginning to realize that while I mistakenly wait for perfection from each day I am missing the little nuggets of cuteness and happiness. The older I get (did you hear that hair just turn grey??) the more I realize that happiness in life should never be judged by what we DO, but what we ARE and what we are fighting each day to become. The more I let life play out how it will and take the lessons I am suppose to learn from it, the happier I am. The more joy I am able to experience and the more memories I will create to draw upon when my children are grown and gone (Kylee only has 5 years left before she could move out (((gasp)))))))!!

Sometimes I forget that I chose each one of these jobs I do (well, I thought about saying no to the Primary President thing but my Mama taught me better than that). I choose each one, to have a family, to work at something I am passionate about because I know it is right. I know that if I can be connected to things that are bigger than me that I can find JOY and purpose. I need to be better at filtering through the stuff I have to DO and look deeper at the person that I AM, and the people my children are becoming. Each day is riddled with imperfection...but that is why it is so amazing.

Wanna know some of my nuggets of JOY????

This picture will bring a smile to my face every time, first of all because how happy my Tyler looks and how fancy free the dogs look as the cool, spring air blows through their hair. The imperfections that you can't see is that the dogs have needed hair cuts for a month now and I am too cheap to pay for it, but keep forgetting to do it.

I think the reason why Charlie (Gandolf the Grey) loved his head out the window was because the wind blew his overgrown hair out of his eyes and he could see the world. AND Dalin was right behind me in his car seat with a full bag of licorice, chowing down. He had taken a late nap and was sooooo grumpy and screaming at me the whole way to pick Tyler up from a party. He stopped crying as soon as I threw gently placed the bag of licorice in his lap. And that was licorice I wasn't even suppose to have cause I was trying to not eat sugar Mon-Friday's. But all of that melted away when I opened this picture up when we got home.

This little nugget was priceless. I was trying to give the house a quick clean before I went for a jog this morning but Dalin begged me to take pictures of him, so we sat down on the stairs together and took silly pictures and videos.

If I had brushed this little curtain-climber off for the sake of a clean house (clean for 5 minutes before he destroyed it again) I would have forgotten that he will be 4 in August and in a few short months I will never have a 3 year old in my house again. He will start pronouncing words correctly and my ears will never get the pleasure of hearing words like "cycle bus" for motorcycle and "wick-wiss" for licorice (which, by the way he ate half the bag...oi).

Where do I begin with this atrocity beautiful little nugget of a photo? (don't ask what I am doing here, I don't know.) Sometimes the pressure and heavy load of being a mother paralyzes me with fear. This is becoming more and more of a reality as my Kylee outgrows me (her shoe size is already bigger than mine).  How am I suppose to help this beauty grow into a virtuous, responsible young woman? She reminds me all the time how hard it is to be the "guinea pig" of the family, as the oldest and to be the one that we make all the mistakes on.  But 75% of the pictures on my phone are like this, us being goofy together. She tells me about her day and what the boy she liked said to her. She tells me when she is in a fight with her BFF or when she got a bad grade. She knows I get her, that I respect her and trust her. The paralysis easily melts away when she grabs my shoulder to take another goofy pic. She likes me! I wouldn't go as far as saying she thinks I am cool, cause when I drop awesome, modern phrases on her like "I am totes jelly!" (google it if that looks like a foreign language) I get some pretty good eye rolls! There is a line you just can't cross.

And then there is this one! My girls are always trying to pull new funny faces, and then begging me, while they have their fingers stuffed up their noses to take a picture.

I was sitting on the couch the other day, trying to catch my breath between dinner clean up and night time jobs. I was tired and counting down the minutes to bed time when I looked up to these monsters...How do you not laugh at this? It immediately pulled me out of my bad mood and I of course had to pull the face myself...I have a picture to prove it, but you will never, ever see that picture because it would give you nightmares.

Oh- and the highlight of my day today was when my hubby let me go see a movie (Divergent)- BY MYSELF! Yes, I am the weirdo you see in the theatre sitting alone and you wonder if their date is just out getting popcorn or if they really are that pathetic. If you have never gone to a movie alone, I highly recommend it- it's fabulous...and you don't have to share you popcorn =)

SUMMER!

I love summer! I live for summer break! The only thing that gets me through each school day is knowing that summer is coming.

Yes-it gets loud and crazy here, and it seems like at any given time there are at least 4 extra kids...But the good FAR outweigh the bad!

I love SLEEPING in, and not having to rush off to be anywhere. I love the we can sit out on a blanket in the shade of out big maple tree and read books or have picnics. I love that we can pick up and go at anytime to Pineview Reservoir or the local swimming pool. I love early morning hikes and refreshing slurpees! I love the late sunsets and lots of movies in the yard.

It's just all so wonderful and in someway I feel like this is what heaven will be like; warm, peaceful, ample time to enjoy each other's company, melty ice cream cones and drippy popcycles...flip flops and the refreshing feeling of freedom!

Yellow Balloons

"When I grow up, I want to be a mother, 

And have a family! One little, two little, three little babies of my own. 

And I will love them all day long! 

And give them cookies and milk and yellow balloons! 

And cuddle them when things go wrong! 

And read them stories and sing them pretty tunes!

Of all the jobs, for me, there is no other. 

I'll have a family.

Four little, five little, six little babies I can love."

I learned this song as a young girl and used to listen to it all the time and dream, wish and hope about being a mother.

It was about 3 years ago that I thought, while listening to this same song with my children, "What a bunch of lies! Lies, I tell you!"

Having a family is HARD! Is this really the PLAN?

I have been so blessed since then to have been and continue to be taught, mentored and guided by wonderful woman who were not any smarter or braver than I was, but had more KNOWLEDGE than I did at the time. More knowledge about finding JOY in motherhood.

I have learned that a typical day will include, but not be limited to at least 5-10 spills, 1 toilet overflow, 2-4 living room vacuums, 1-2 scrapped knee, lots of dirty laundry, preparing of 3 meals (some, not so balanced) fits, fights, name calling, teasing, lying, tattling, tangled hair, over flowing trash cans, broken toys, overgrown grass, weed-filled gardens, hurt feelings, bad days at school...

...the list goes on and on....and on...

A dear friend reminded my today that we must be diligent and very careful to remember the little tender mercies- or little nuggets that are hidden in each day. Some days they are more hidden than others =)

I am so relieved and comforted with the knowledge now that it doesn't have to be one or the other! Isn't that exciting!! It doesn't have to be all good or all bad.

The cookies may be slightly burnt and the milk might end up being water because you couldn't make it out of your PJ's that day, let alone to the store. The cuddling might be with a sleep deprived mommy and the tunes slightly off key, but they must happen! There has to be balloons-especially yellow ones!

It doesn't matter if you have ONE little or SIX little children of your own..Just remember that your day WILL NOT go smoothly and your laundry pile will never be empty. We can not let those things blind us from seeing the nuggets, the JOY!

Horrifically Awesome

Acrostic Poem. By Tyler (10 years old). In honor of Mother's Day

Talks  a lot
Awesome
U R Cool
Swawesome
Horrific
Always Fun






Here was the conversation after the poem was read;

"Thanks Ty! That was sweet of you. So...you think I talk a lot?"

"Yeah. But that's a good thing."

"Oh, good. So...You think I'm horrific?"

"Yep!" Grinning from ear to ear.

Apparently he believes that horrific is a synonym for awesome...

My son thinks I am horrifically awesome. I'll take it.

hor·ri·fic  

/hôˈrifik/

Adjective Causing horror at the thought of how awesome your mom is.

Synonyms horrible at being a bad mom - dreadfully gorgeous - frightfuly talented - terrible at ignoring her kids - grisly when she wakes up in the morning (this one is true)

*********************************

Today was a bad day...nothing happened, really, just a hard day. I had NO motivation to do anything. I would start to clean and then have to stop because it was painfully boring and my heart just wasn't in it. I would sit down to get some work done and my mind would be blank and mushy. I felt tired, grumpy and my muscles felt like jello. Please tell me you know what I am talking about!

But-the thing I love most about today is that I know that it is just a bad day...not a bad life. I am just having a 24 hour period of low...and that the sun will rise again tomorrow and I will be okay.

This may seem simple but I am so happy about this because a couple of years ago I would have been beating myself up over it. I would wonder what was wrong with me and say things to myself like, "Why are you so lazy? You can't sit and read a book-the house will fall apart around you." I love how I have learned to be patient and kind to myself and allow my mind and body to rest and be at ease for a day.

How are you patient and kind to yourself?

Muddy Hands

I was out early one morning before anyone was awake.  Riding my bike, which is my favorite form of exercise!

As I cruised down my favorite hill a particular question that had been overwhelming me the last day or so ran through my mind again, "Will I ever be good enough? Will I ever get it right?"

A particular quote came to my mind that I learned from my mentor, It's not about PERFECTION, it's about PROGRESSION!

And then I heard the still, quiet voice of the spirit, who so eloquently speaks to us on behalf of a loving Heavenly Father say,

"Are you progressing?"

I thought for a moment and then said "Yes..."

"Then don't worry. My child, I need you to be as patient with yourself as I am with you."

Those profound words warmed my heart and I knew that I would be okay, that I was good enough and I was getting it right.

As I am typing this my sweet Dalin came inside looking like this:

"Wash it Mommy!" He pleaded! The playing in the mud was really fun, but the mess it created was not as fun.

I again felt the overwhelming love my Father in Heaven has for me. When we come to him with muddied hands, he doesn't send us away and tell us to figure it out for ourselves...He scoops us up in his arms and carries us to the sink. He washes our hands with soap and warm water, making sure to get any extra mud on our arms and elbows. Then he kisses us on the forehead and sends us off to play again, knowing full well that we will probably get in the mud again.

Thank you, Dalin for teaching me such a timely lesson. It is not about perfection, if it is for you, you will always fail. It is about progression...getting muddy and then knowing where to go to be cleansed.

Gotta Do It

So...have you ever received a strong prompting to do something and even though you knew it was a good thing to do, you couldn't see how it could possibly fit into your busy life??

This happened to me today. I received a very strong kick in the pants that I needed to start blogging again! It's not that I don't like blogging, I actually love it-but I have so much going on right now that  it seems like one more chore.

This prompting was also a puzzle piece to some pretty crazy feedback that I have received in the last week. I have 2 friends that have both told me the exact same thing about what my "body language" is saying. Both of these ladies are trained in how to read body language and in how to tell what someone is thinking or feeling by their body language. Sound nuts??

Well, I was told by these ladies, on 2 separate occasions (they don't even know each other-so there was no conspiring) that my body language (especially when I cross my arms over my stomach...which I thought I was doing to hide my belly fat...hehe) was communicating that I am trying to keep my light in! I am afraid to show people what is really inside of me.

If I was really honest I would tell you that if I was to show you all that I have learned over the last 2.5 years, all that I have healed from and all that I have done to grow and change...If I was to let that light shine and reveal all of the JOY, HAPPINESS and PEACE that I feel on a daily basis now, you would probably be blinded! But this isn't true! Because I don't have any dumb family or friends and I know that if you are reading this you long for JOY, HAPPINESS and PEACE as much as the next guy. right??

Ever since I can remember, I have always known that I was suppose to PLAY BIG in this life. I have been through some dark, sad times in my life (go to My Journey As a Mother page on this blog to learn more about that) and I have also always known that I went through those times so that I could help other people heal and come out on top. My nature (got to What Type Are You? page to learn more) is soft, and subtle and I move through life with a gentle flow and so I have also struggled with how to show all that is in me without seeming pushy, or too bold.

But a loving Heavenly Father, who has guided me every step of my life, has made it known to me that it is time to take that light I have been trying to hide and let it out! You ready??

I have almost deleted this post about 10 times because I am still scared to let it shine...but here I go!

**Don't forget to check out the last post for a good laugh =)

"Get Your Sword Out of the Fridge!" And Other Crazy Things You'll hear me say

I opened the fridge the other day and there was Dalin's foam sword, conversing with the milk.

Dalin is constantly at my side and so I said to him, "Hey D! Get your sword out of the fridge."

"Okay." He said as he grabbed it, and ran off to hit the dog with it.

There are many times where I have to remind myself to laugh, so that I don't cry.

Like today. When I was putting clothes away upstairs, I heard a lot of giggling, then the sliding glass door opening and then the rushing and splashing of water. I fought my instinct to ignore it...sometimes that seems easier than facing it...but I ran downstairs to find the kitchen floor covered in an inch of water. Kylee (my eye witness) quickly informed me that Malia (5) had been spraying the hose, turned on full blast, at the sliding glass door and that Dalin had his face pressed against the glass, giggling. In his little 2 1/2 year old mind he then wondered what would happen if the glass wasn't there anymore, so he slid the door open. Need I go on??

I am a fairly quiet, low energy lady, by nature, and often times yearn for some peace and quiet...But like any good grandmother will tell you, you must enjoy those little water flinging, sword waving munchkins while you can, before they are grown and gone. (((sigh)))

So instead of crying, we laughed about it and I made sure I documented the experience in my journal so I can tell them about it when they are grown and gone!

***Stay tuned for the story of the night my 7 and 5 year old girls decided to paper mache a balloon in their bedroom at 10 o'clock at night using a homemade concoction of water and flour. Then, when they realized it wasn't working so well decided to have a paper mache flinging party instead. Ever try to clean a mixture of water and flour out of your carpet???  I actually did cry that night.

The Window to the Soul

Eyes. On any given day I am astonished at my children's eyes. Not just because I think they are so beautiful, but because in their eyes I see so much. Eyes tell us so much about a person, have you noticed? Look into the eyes of your children, your spouse, your friends. What do you see?

Here is what I see in my children's eyes:

Kylee is the only one in the family with brown eyes! I have always loved her brown eyes! In these eyes I see a love for life, like I have never seen before. I see an affection and allegiance to all of God's creatures, big or small. I see structure and fairness. I see acceptance and FUN! I see a girl who will give all of herself to anyone, but will carefully keep enough for herself. Kylee's eyes help me stay focused and give me the ability to handle and accept life.

Tyler's eyes are one of  the first things I fell in love with when he joined our family. His eyes erupt with wisdom and knowledge. When I first looked into his eyes I knew that I was holding in my arms someone great, with endless potential. In his deep blue eyes I see curiosity and accomplishment. I see brightness and sensitivity. Just looking into Tyler's eyes will assure you that the world if full of things to be constantly explored. In his eyes I see wonder, action and love.

Baily's green eyes are full of sunshine and brilliance. It doesn't matter if Baily is sick or sad, her eyes always have a sparkle and a light. In her eyes I see possibilities, new ideas and hope. Her eyes remind me that life is to be enjoyed. In her eyes is love and a love for life. Baily's eyes hold a place for forgiveness, ability and a acceptance.

Malia...of all of my kids, Malia reminds me the most of myself. When I look into her green eyes I often feel like I am looking in a mirror. It is really fun to look into her sensitive eyes and imagine that I am looking at myself. Malia's eyes are still, and peaceful. Her eyes are illuminated with a sense of simple, pure balance. When I look into her eyes I see a gentle nature, but an intense ability to discern what is good, fair and right. I see comfort and the ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

My little Dalin.  It only took me about 21,000 tries to get this picture of his eyes!!! His eyes scream Wiggle worm!!! Dalin has taught me more about life in his 22 months than I could have learned in a lifetime. His pale blue eyes are soft and gentle. His eyes show his need for comfort and peace. In his eyes I see an unyielding sense of awareness, confidence and affection. Dalin has the ability to take in all that he sees and thoroughly assess if it is safe! fun! and worth-while! His eyes are what keeps me going, keeps me strong and patient.

My New Bowl of Ice Cream

Meet my new bowl of ice cream. It is a lot less creamy and does not have near enough sugary goodness as I am use to, but I am pretty excited about it.

For the past 2 nights, instead of putting the kids to bed and sitting down to a big ol' bowl of vanilla with chocolate syrup goodness, I have laced up my running shoes, dusted off the treadmill and ran like crazy. Well, let's be honest, it is more like a slow jog...but I am getting there.

AND, while I am burning some calories I am catching up on some re-runs of Lost. Now, instead of my nightly dose of sugar and cream, I am getting my nightly dose of Jack Shephard!

I learned something pretty fantastic about setting goals the other day. I have always been really good at setting goals, but really, really bad at keeping them. I realized that in my need for perfection I usually set my goals too high.

Here is a quick and easy method for setting goals. It is called the M.T.O method. So, for instance, I want to get back in shape. I have been exercising on average 1-2 days a week. So instead of saying, (in a Wonder Woman voice) "I will exercise 6 days a week and I will never eat ice cream again!" I set a MINIMUM goal. I want to at least work out 3 days a week. Then I set my TARGET goal. Ideally, I would like to exercise 4 days a week. And my OUTRAGEOUS goal (now remember, outrageous does not mean impossible), would be to exercise 5 days a week. Make sense? This way I am never setting myself up to fail.

If I only get 3 workouts in one week, I am still within my goal range, and I won't give up because it seems impossible to achieve my goal. Yes??

Now I am going to go Deep Blue my legs, cause they are killing me!!!

Flip flops and tank tops

I have been assaulted by summer clothes!!!

I have been putting off getting the summer clothes from the attic for weeks now. All of my kids, especially my 6 year old, have been badgering me daily to "pleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeee get the summer clothes down!!!" So, today was the day.

5 kids, 8-10 bins and bags of clothes...sorting through the ones that fit, the ones that don't have holes or stains...then sorting through drawers and closets for clothes that don't fit to put away...

I lose a year of my life every time the seasons change!

It was a hot dog's-for-dinner kind of a night. I tell you what, I am exhausted. At least we are good for another 6 months.

I don't know how the vacuum ended up in this picture...I sooo did not vacuum today...

mr grumpy pants

Dalin woke up from his nap grumpy today. He actually does this every day. I am really bothered by this. It takes 10-20 minutes for him to "happy-up". Today was no different.

I was sitting on the couch with him today after his nap and it hit me...I am the exact same way. I hate waking up. If I was a 1 year old I would cry too. I feel like crying every time the morning comes, but I am a big girl, and can't throw the fit that I feel inside.

So, Dalin, I am okay with you waking up grumpy. I know how you feel...

New Family Pictures

Another year has somehow passed! How did that happen? As I reflect on 2011 I have mixed emotions. This year has been hard! But, it has also been wonderful! We have had a lot of illness, sleepless nights and trying to figure out what the heck we are doing in life. But, we have grown so much and have had so many good times too.

The kids are loving school. And I do mean LOVING. The Montessori Charter school that they go to is amazing. It blows the education they were receiving at public school out of the water. All three of the older kids are learning and growing so much. Malia and Dalin keep themselves entertained so well as the only ones home most days.

I am very enthusiastic and hopeful for 2012. I am so grateful for the hard times that we had this year because they helped us, as a family grow and learn so much. We are better at somethings and also have a clearer picture of what we need to improve upon.

Here are some of our recent family pictures =) Warning: There's a lot, and they are in no particular order!

Halloween

"Trick or Treating goes against everything we are taught as children: don't talk to strangers, don't take candy from strangers, don't knock on strangers doors..." -Dillon Kinser =)

But it is sooooooo fun!!!! We had a good Halloween. My kids had great costumes this year! We had fun with my parents and my sister, Tara and her family. The weather was warmer than I ever remember it being! Good times! Sugar highs, here we come!!!

Kylee, my zombie

That is Tyler under the werewolf mask. Dalin screamed his head off every time he saw Tyler.

Baily, the cutest cowgirl on the block!

Malia was "dorky" from the Wizard of Oz! There's no place like home!

No pictures of my baby D "panda bear'-he was sick and stayed home with grandma =(

Here's the gang!

Our lives can be measured by Halloweens! Another year down!